Why do I keep dating the same type of person?

Christina McLoughlin
6 min readOct 4, 2021


Why do I keep dating the same type of person?

Do you keep dating the same type of person? People who can’t commit emotionally unavailable or toxic behaviour? Have you ever found yourself saying, “I can’t believe this is happening again…”

We’ve all got a type, and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you like taller people, shorter, fitter… maybe you want someone who is super confident, quiet, calm. But suppose your type is constantly disappointing you, or you have unhealthy relationships with them. Maybe all of the people you’ve dated have cheated, or they all ghost you or they are manipulative. Then you need to reassess your type.

Let’s be honest with each other; the common denominator in all relationships is YOU. I know that is it so much easier to focus on the other person or people and how they betrayed you, cheated, or left. But if you want to break the cycle of dating the same type of person, we need to turn that focus back to ourselves and how we were in the relationship.

We all deserve to be in happy and fulfilling relationships. When you are in a cycle of serial dating the same types of toxic people, it can be hard to believe that you will find that one person who is right for you. The more you serial date the wrong type, the harder it becomes to find the RIGHT one. You may have lowered your standards to accommodate people so that you don’t have to be on your own.

So let’s look at how we can raise those standards so that you can break the cycle.

Check in with your mindset & self-worth

We tolerate what we feel like we deserve. Oh yes, my love, I hate to be the one to tell you, but you’re choosing to accept something less than what you deserve or want for yourself!

WHY? Because your mindset and self-worth around love may be low. I might even go as far as saying that your self-love is low.

We attract what we think we deserve, and what we think we deserve is rooted in our early childhood experiences. Up to the age of 7, we are like sponges; we soak in every bit of verbal and nonverbal information from our parents, siblings, teachers and society. We use this information to create our self-beliefs, and these beliefs live in our subconscious mind. And our subconscious creates our mindset and reality.

On top of that, our mind likes what’s familiar. It’s our human instinct to seek out what is familiar and follow that pattern. The more you repeat the pattern, the more ingrained it becomes, and the more you seek it out. Even when that pattern leads us to a cheating partner, emotionally unavailable people, feelings of rejection or abandonment.

We are more comfortable with the pain of what we already know, the familiar, than we are with the pain of what we don’t know. Suppose we saw unhealthy, unloving relationships as a child, it may be more familiar and easier for us to live with a toxic relationship than a happy, healthy relationship.

Or, if you felt abandoned or rejected in your childhood, you may subconsciously seek out partners who will abandon or reject you.

While the familiar patterns have their uses, like getting you from home to work and back again safely. They can have a drawback when it comes to relationships. You don’t want to repeat the same patterns over and over in relationships if they keep hurting you or keep you stuck. The only way to change the outcome is to change the pattern and the thoughts behind the pattern.

These changes don’t happen overnight. If you’ve ever tried to give up a bad habit, you know that it takes time. And it’s a battle between old and new until the new habit is more familiar to you.

If you are ready to change the pattern, start by becoming aware of what that pattern is. And be brutally honest with yourself, who are you in the pattern, what part do you play. Analyse all parts of the relationships, don’t brush parts under the carpet because it’s too uncomfortable. Look at what you are attracted to and who is attracted to you. Identify all of the similarities.

Now that you’ve analysed your relationships outline what you feel is acceptable to you. Create new patterns around your new standards. If someone doesn’t come close to your new standards, they are not for you.

Awareness is everything. Analysing your relationships and knowing your patterns can help you understand what you believe you’re worth. While we can’t change your past, we can change your present, which will help create your future.

While you’re on a journey of changing the patterns, focus on building your self-love. If you want better matches, then be the best version of yourself. Take time to show yourself love and care so that the best version of you is showing up. Take time to meditate, nourish yourself, rest, or exercise. Whatever makes you feel good. Make a new habit of spending time loving yourself daily.

Law of Assumption

You may have heard of the Law of Attraction from books or movies like The Secret. The Law of Attraction states that we attract what we are a vibrational match for, or positive attracts positive. It doesn’t play as big a part in our dating life as the Law of Assumption does. The Law of Assumption can make or break our love life. If you really want to manifest your perfect partner, start to work with the Law of Assumption daily.

What you assume to be true will be true for you. If you assume that

all partners love you, your partner will always love you. But if you assume all partners will inevitably leave you, they will all leave you. Or all partners cheat; they all cheat. If you assume that all the good partners are taken, you find it impossible to find good partners.

You can simply change how your love life works by assuming something different. Some of our assumptions stem from our childhood experiences, and some are new beliefs that we’ve conditioned ourselves to.

We’ve subconsciously assumed things about relationships for so long, it takes a bit of work to change it. The best place to start is to choose something that you like your partner to be, and then assume that all partners will be that way. And don’t ever doubt it regardless of what you experience in your reality.

Ok so, let’s say you’ve always had emotionally unavailable partners. Your current assumption is that there are no emotionally available partners or that you can only attract people who are emotionally unavailable to you. But you want a relationship that is loving, healthy and deeply connected.

Start assuming that you have a loving partner and you both have a deep connection. Now you might be single, that’s cool. Just assume that you have a loving partner regardless. And persist with it every day. And at some point, your new assumption will become familiar. So you will only seek out partners who fit the loving, deep connection criteria.

You can assume anything you want about your new partner, so long as you can get behind that assumption and believe in it.

Breaking the cycle of dating the same type of person is going to take time. Start working on your mindset and self-worth first. Get clear on what patterns are playing out in your love life and make a conscious decision to break them. It is often much easier to see the patterns and break them when you are working on your mindset with a professional.

And if you feel called to work with the Law of Assumption and work on manifesting your ideal partner, then start to assume what you really want for yourself. The more you persist with it, the closer it comes to you.



Christina McLoughlin

I help women become limitless through mindset shifts. I write about mindset, love & dating. Start here: IG: www.instagram.com/christinarosemcl